Good Intentions Don't Erase Harmful Impact: Moving Beyond "But I'm Not a Bad Person"
Like so many of my fellow Americans & like-minded allies around the world, I woke up feeling ill this morning. I did my best to stay off social media and not turn on the news because why—but my curiosity got the best of me, and I came across this response to a lovely and comforting post of solidarity on Instagram:
“I am also a Cup of Jo reader and i voted for Trump. I am not a bigot, racist, homophobe or any of those things that i’m being called. I voted based on a few key issues, knowing no one candidate will ever perfectly align w everything. I love EVERYONE and raise my children to do the same. If we met in real@life, i’d bet we’d be friends. All of this to say, please don’t dehumanize us as “other”, i.e “bad people”. i am not doing that to those w opposing views.”
It's a familiar refrain by now: “I'm not a bad person. I love everyone. We could be friends!” The language of personal goodness, of individual kindness, wielded as a shield against the very real consequences of political choices. But here's the thing about impact versus intent: The refugees seeking asylum don't care if “you're a good person”. The women losing access to reproductive healthcare aren't comforted by knowing you “love everyone”. The LGBTQ+ youth facing increasingly hostile legislation aren't protected by your hypothetical friendship. The climate crisis affecting global communities isn't mitigated by your personal warmth.
As a white woman, I need to address something specific: these defensive responses overwhelmingly come from other white women, and we need to stop giving them a pass. I'm frankly ashamed of how many of my fellow white women hide behind pleasantries and hypothetical friendships to avoid confronting the impact of their choices.
Let's be clear: Saying 'we could be friends' is not the olive branch you think it is. I wouldn't be friends with someone who abuses animals, so why would I be friends with someone whose political choices enable the abuse of human beings? The cognitive dissonance is staggering. You can't claim to “love EVERYONE” while voting for policies and people that actively harm marginalized communities. That's not love. That's performative niceness masking complicity.
White women have historically played this double game - maintaining social politeness while enabling systems of oppression. We've hidden behind our perceived gentility, our good intentions, our claims of personal kindness. We've used our tears, our declarations of being “good people”, our insistence on civility as weapons to deflect accountability. It's time for that to end.
Your individual kindness, your polite dinner table manner, your love of your neighbor's gay son - none of these things offset the real-world impact of supporting politicians and policies that strip away human rights. You don't get to vote for cruelty and then absolve yourself with claims of personal goodness.
So to my fellow white women, it's time for some brutal honesty: You're either lying to us or lying to yourself, and neither is acceptable anymore. If you're knowingly supporting bigotry while claiming “but I'm not racist”, you're a liar. If you've convinced yourself that your “loving heart” somehow cancels out your vote for hate, you're lying to yourself. There is no middle ground here, no comfortable space where you get to support oppression while maintaining your self-image as a good person.
Look in the mirror. Really look. You're either actively choosing to support systems of hate while hiding behind a veneer of niceness, or you're so deeply committed to your own comfort that you've built an elaborate fortress of self-deception. Either way, the time for these lies - to us and to yourself - is over. Your “good person” costume doesn't fit anymore, and we can all see what's underneath.